FEAR. Random, heart-racing fear: adrenalin kicking my heartrate to tachycardia.

Momentary pause. Mild consternation by the realization that I don't really know how to spell "tachycardia."

Return to fear. FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR

I am twenty-eight years old.

I have been married for six years.

I have world-record credit card debt, and a student loan balance that only nine years of dabbling in graduate school can explain. Okay, maybe not -explain-. Had I been attending graduate school in Micronesia and paying weekly airfare using my loans, that might -explain- my balance.

FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR

Jami and I put a contract offer on a house last Saturday. A house. A HOUSE. A backyard-havin', roof-and-everything-included, mortgage-payment-please, oh-dear-golly-how-much-do-I-need-to-borrow? HOUSE.

I get the shakes from clipping coupons. It freaks me out; there's too much pressure. You're tellin' me I've only got NINE days to cash in on Palmolive? I can't handle -- LITERALLY CANNOT HANDLE -- the fiscal responsibility that comes with saving forty-one cents. $ 0.41.

But $140,000? Oh, heck yeah . . . sign me up for two hunnert grand. I'm ready, buddy-o. Bring it on!

(I may have just wet myself. Why lie? I've been wet ever since noon on Saturday . . . selective service, take notice! I AM NOT TO BE TRUSTED IN THE SERVICE OF MY COUNTRY! I CANNOT HANDLE BECOMING A HOMEOWNER! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

In other news, Jami is excited by the possibility of painting, refinishing, remodeling. She has these, these, whattayacallems, these -- is it -- swatches? She's been calculating the combinations and permutations on those suckers nonstop. It's like watching an insurance actuary take my height, weight, and family history and extrapolate my lifespan. Only, here's the deal: Jami frightens me more. And improvements? I honestly never saw the dozens of subtle improvements that could be made in the home requiring only 1.) every second of my time up until September 2009 and 2.) a small investment of $650,000.00.

I'm married to Bob Vila.