I swear to you, this is the last time.
The last time I make you read The Onion horoscopes.
Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist andA.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer
Aries: (March 21—April 19): You're getting tired of living out of boxes, but if you stop now, you'll damage your reputation as the patron saint of the cardboard cubist lifestyle.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20): There are those who say you're just a glorified janitor, but you fail to see how the titanium mop and bucket add glory to what you do.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21): You'll soon learn the important legal and semantic differences between the phrases "folksingers should just die" and "it'd sure be nice if someone slaughtered all the folksingers."
Cancer: (June 22—July 22): Hey, it's not your fault if the others around the office don't find your horrifyingly racist sense of humor funny.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22): You'll be surprised and pleased to find yourself listed between Leah and Levi in Who's Who In The Bible, but you won't really like what the editors had to say.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22): You'll be overrun with shallow, boring romance-seekers merely because you genuinely enjoy long walks and sunsets.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23): There's no law about over-enjoying the work of Uriah Heep, but the judicial flexibility built into our society will see that you get what's coming to you anyway.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21): Leprosy is certainly not the problem it once was, but that might not be any consolation to you.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21): The National Hockey League lockout will have little or no effect on you, which is fairly surprising, considering you're Lord Stanley's Cup.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19): You'll experience a soufflé that sends you into a white-hot inferno of culinary passion, instantly incinerating you and everyone in the downtown restaurant district.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18): This week will be prime for advancement at work, as long as you manage to avoid the ball lightning and the other guys don't.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20): Good news: The airline will only charge you four Frequent Flier Miles for your violently abbreviated flight this Friday.
