Bleary-eyed, groaning, dare-I-say --gassy--, our hero turns his attention away from the endless headlines scrolling at the bottom of the ESPNNews ticker ("MIAMI BEATS FLORIDA STATE 16-10 IN OVERTIME!!!!!!!!"; "ROBBY GORDON WINS THE EMERSON RADIO 250!!!!!") and toward his blog.
"Hoo-boy," he says, "hoo-boy -- I'm a tired toto."
Opening Microsoft Outlook, he sees an e-mail message. 'Hello there -- what's this?' he thinks, tiredly. 'Is anything worth keeping me awake any longer?'
Of course there is.
He sees the one thing that will keep him awake, and make him post.
That's right.
It's The Onion horoscopes.
Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer
Aries: (March 21—April 19) Your beloved Sparky will shock you by traveling 1,000 miles back to you. But then again, loyalty is the reason you married him in the first place.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20) It's going to be a busy, nerve-wracking week, but by the end, you'll be elevated to Imperator For Life Of The Greater Taurus Economic Co-Prosperity Sphere.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21) No one's ever called you a rich, sexy genius, but that was before National Say Hurtfully Untrue Things Day.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22) You'll help realize Western civilization's oldest dream, but it's only the one about getting to school late on exam day.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22) An unlikely coincidence involving the spontaneous combustion of your trousers and their subsequent suspension from communications cables will not be enough to teach you to tell the truth.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22) You're working hard on your list of songs you want played at your funeral, but the flawed premise of the project is that it assumes the presence of attendees.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23) Your reading group insists that the Iowa School is more concerned with list-making than with producing good fiction, but frankly, you just wanted to talk about hobbits.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21) Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a h**l of a lot different starting Thursday.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21) Romance and a felicitous atmosphere for new projects are foretold by the moon passing through your sign this week, as well as—wait a second! That's no moon!
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19) It's difficult to be compassionate and loving in today's increasingly cruel world. The term "diminishing returns" comes to mind.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18) You'll be repeatedly cited as a living refutation of the Great Man theory of history.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20) All the stars in your sign have an important message of hope, but you may not get it before the sudden explosion in your galactic spiral arm Wednesday.
(from The Onion, VOLUME 40 ISSUE 36, 8 SEPTEMBER 2004; accessed 10 September 2004.)
