Do you have the same kinds of friends that I do?
I seem to have surrounded myself with the Ambrose Bierce bunch; those cynical, biting wits who like nothing better than to skewer the stupidity that's so easy to find on the internet. I received an e-mail just the other day from a friend of mine who linked me to a highly entertaining "bible thumping" website that had the most hilarious denouncements of the Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, and modern culture that I had just about ever read. To wit:
The Mormon movement began with "the prophet" Joseph Smith, Jr. in the year 1820. Joe (as he was known) was born to some rather strange parents in 1805. His mother, Lucy, was involved in occult practices and visions, while his father, Joseph, Sr., consumed much time with imaginary treasure digging (including the booty of Captain Kidd).
According to Mormon writings (Pearl of Great Price, Joseph Smith - History 1:1-25), on a day in 1820, Joe was praying in the woods when he received a "vision" from God the Father and Jesus. It was "revealed" to Joe that the church was in "apostasy" and he was "the chosen one" to launch a new "dispensation."
Being unwilling to drop his current occupation of money-digging with his father (while using "peep stones" and "divining rods"), Joe put his "calling" on hold for three years. Then, according to his own account (Pearl of Great Price, Joseph Smith - History 1:29-54), he was paid a bedside "visit" by the "angel" Moroni in 1823.
Do you get the "feeling" that this "person" doesn't "like" the "Mormons"?
My laugh reflex wasn't ready for this, though: Santa, is Satan. Why? It's obvious, really.
SANTA LIVES IN THE NORTH
Tradition holds that Santa Claus lives at the North Pole, a place ABOVE the rest of us.
JESUS CHRIST LIVES IN THE NORTH
"Beautiful for situation, the joy of the whole earth, is mount Zion, on the sides of the north, the city of the great King." (Psa. 48:2)
SANTA WEARS RED CLOTHING
Santa wears a red furry suit.
JESUS CHRIST WEARS RED CLOTHING
"And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God." (Rev. 19:13)
SANTA HAS WHITE HAIR
Santa is always pictured as an old man with white hair like wool.
JESUS CHRIST HAS WHITE HAIR
"His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire;" (Rev. 1:14)
SANTA IS OMNIPOTENT
He has the ability to carry presents for over a billion children.
JESUS CHRIST IS OMNIPOTENT
"And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth." (Mat. 28:18)
SANTA HAS SPIRIT HELPERS CALLED ELVES
Webster, 1828: "ELF...a spirit, the night-mar; a ghost, hag, witch"
JESUS CHRIST HAS SPIRIT HELPERS CALLED ANGELS
"Then the devil leaveth him, and, behold, angels came and ministered unto him." (Mat. 4:11)
SANTA - SANAT - SATAN?
Sanat Kumara is worshipped by some new age groups as God. H.P. Blavatsky, the mother of the new age movement, said on page 350 of her book, The Secret Doctrine, Vol. 2: "The name isn't important. It is the letters". "Santa" has the same letters as "Satan"! According to G.A. Riplinger, "Ole Nick" is listed as the name of a fallen angel in the Dictionary of Fallen Angels. (New Age Bible Versions, Gail Riplinger, pg. 53)
Friend, don't glorify Satan by giving the glory and attributes of Jesus Christ to Santa Claus! Santa is a COUNTERFEIT GOD, and you are honoring Satan when you teach your children to believe in Santa! Christians should teach their children the TRUTH. We should glorify God by teaching our children about Jesus Christ and His saving grace!
Jesus lives in the north?
Furry?
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -- Then it got personal.
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For those of you who don't know, I am a extremely liberal member of the church of Christ. (This is a misnomer, of course, as it means that I'm really to the right of most fascists . . . anyway, I'm a Campbellite.) We pride ourselves on our autonomy and our equality; basically, we don't believe in any form of church hierarchy -- everybody's an evangelist, really -- AND we believe in the complete, absolute authority of scripture. We speak where the Bible speaks, and we are silent where the Bible is silent. Our doctrine changes from church to church, but we ALL agree on those two precepts.
Oh -- and we agree in full immersion water baptism for the remission of sins, as Peter describes in Acts 2:38, "Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost." Yeah -- we're that literal about the Bible.
Let me repeat. We are freakishly literal about the Bible, and highly conservative.
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After the Santa thing, I began reading some of the other tracts on the site and found myself laughing aloud at how insanely conservative the writer is . . . but it's the self-conscious sort of laughter, the laughter elicited by the realization that the insanity I find humorous isn't so far removed from the values I say I represent . . . when I saw it.
Yep. "Acts 2:38 -- Satan's Favorite Bible Verse."
"Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost." (Acts 2:38)
The above verse of scripture is a favorite among many religious groups. One can hear it several times on Sunday morning radio programs, as well as from the pulpits of numerous groups, and it can be found in much religious literature. The verse is a favorite because, on the surface, it seemingly states that one must be baptized in order to be saved, and without baptism one is not saved. So, those who believe that water baptism is essential for salvation make it a regular habit of using Acts 2:38 as scriptural support.
The problem is that Acts 2:38 isn't the only verse in the Bible which deals with salvation. While many claim to "speak where the scriptures speak and remain silent where the scriptures are silent," they practically ignore most of the New Testament teaching on salvation. The only verses that such false teachers quote and reference are the ones they feel they can use to promote their "water gospel." The fact is that most of what the New Testament says about salvation doesn't include baptism at all! (John 5:24, John 11:25-26, John 14:6, Romans 4:5, Romans 10:9-13, Eph. 2:8-9, etc.), and the few places that do mention water baptism do not include it as part of one's salvation. Water baptism follows salvation as one of the first steps of obedience for the new believer.
In spite of this obvious truth, the cultists remain steadfast in their heresy, insisting that Acts 2:38 sets forth water baptism as a requirement for salvation. Thus, this verse of scripture has become Satan's favorite Bible verse. In fact, many are trusting water baptism alone for the salvation of their souls! Indeed, Satan has deceived multitudes by his perversion of Acts 2:38.
Well, poop, buddy, you almost had me.
I find the greatest humor from this site NOT the cloying diadactic recitation of why Santa is Satan, or why "the Mormons" are "wrong." No, I got the biggest belly laugh from the fact that the most honestly conservative church I know, a church that can be so stilited and insane about trying to literally interpret the Bible that it occasionally binds its own best intentions in a Gordian knot of revealed truth, this church that is MY well-intentioned-yet-occasionally-crazy church . . . yeah, we're so liberal and misguided that WE'RE on the track to hell as well.
(Which is a real place, by the way.)
When A Sinner Goes To Hell. . .
"....the rich man also died, and was buried; And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom. And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame." Luke 16:22-24.
"Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels. . ." Matthew 25:41.
"Enter ye in at the straight gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because straight is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it." Matthew 7:13-14.
"But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth." Matthew 8:12.
"And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for the to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched: Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched." Mark 9:43-44.
The subject of Hell isn't a very POPULAR subject, but it is, indeed, a very IMPORTANT subject. Jesus preached often about this horrible place for one basic reason: HE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO GO THERE! There are many who consider "hell fire" preaching to be cruel and unnecessary, but the Lord Jesus Christ thought it was very necessary to preach on Hell and WARN lost people of this horrible place.
Friend, since you began reading this tract, many people have died and went to Hell forever, and many more will have gone before you've finished. I can assure you that they would all love to have a second chance. They would all love to be able to read this tract and receive Christ as their Savior, but it's too late for them. They'll be in Hell for eternity. What about YOU?
Great. I guess I'll be down there too, with the Mormons, department store Santas, and everyone else in my cult of the "water gospel." Excuse me: I GUESS I'll be DOWN THERE too, with the MORMONS, DEPARTMENT store SANTAS, and . . . well, you know the rest. I wonder where hell is, though?
THE SPHERE OF HELL
The sphere of Hell is a round, hollowed-out place in the Earth's core. Scientists say that the Earth's outer crust is less than twenty miles thick, and that beyond that point, there are rivers and lakes of FLAMING HOT LAVA, or, as the Bible calls it, a "lake of fire" (Rev. 20:15). So, this very moment your eternal soul may be less than twenty miles from the burning fires of Hell!
Hell isn't in some distant dimension; Hell is UNDER YOUR FEET! The rebels in Numbers chapter 16 went DOWN into the pit. Moses wrote in Deuteronomy 32:22 about a fire in the LOWEST HELL. Amos 9:2 speaks of people trying to DIG down into Hell. So Hell is a REAL PLACE, and it's UNDER YOUR FEET RIGHT NOW, torturing millions of lost souls forever! Think about THAT!
Oh, I am. I am.
(giggles)
Sorry. I just realized that if my soul is, indeed "less than twenty miles from the burning fires of Hell!" then hell could also be Monroe, Georgia, another "hollowed out place" that I would like to nominate as a more likely candidate than the earth's core.
I also couldn't help but giggle at this passage from later in the same tract:
THE SUFFERING OF HELL
If you go to Hell, you'll suffer. That's what Hell is for.
". . . Keep smiling
Keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me
For sure --
For good times
And bad times
I'll be on your side for ever more . . ."
Suffering of hell, Dionne Warwick songs, hmmm. Maybe this guy's stumbled onto something.
